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The Way Down
After choosing a date for my exam, I trained
with great enthusiasm at first. My technique felt good
and I imagined myself performing with great distinction
in front of Sakamoto-Sensei. But after a couple of
months, doubts and frustration began to creep in.
My work got busy, my family demanded attention and
I could not find the time to train as much as I wanted.
I began to feel foolish about issuing my challenge.
Not only was it rude but there was a good chance that
I would go to Japan and make a fool of myself.
Without a strong spirit, your strength, experience
and intention crumble into nothing. The only way
is
down. It makes you want to scream.
The situation
brought on depression, something that bothers me
now and then. My mood and energy level plunged, and
I was plagued by self-doubt and anxiety. Although
my training did not stop, the number of hours devoted
to it dwindled. My workouts were listless and unfocused.
Occasionally the fog would be pierced by flames of
anger. I’d imagine sparring at my exam and smashing
my opponent down.
Disgusted with myself and panicked about what was
coming, I would decide to double my hours of
practice. I'd
start a workout well, but my morale was so weak
that I would quit after a few minutes, often
in the middle of a kata.
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